What is the purpose of life?
It is the purpose to create. To infiltrate the possibilities and the power of tangibility through knowledge, or intentionality. Anything else is irrelevant, or an unsatisfactory addiction of abstract emotions.

Negativity in a Positive approach
I felt compelled to post this since there are a lot of people these days who think nothing of themselves.
I felt compelled to post this since we are not sure what to look for in the end.
I felt compelled to post this because we think we are going to carry a legend or legacy behind us.
I felt compelled because it isn't about you, whether how significant you -think- you might be.
I also felt compelled to post this because choice of character is what all should have in mind.


Origin: Michael Josephson

What Will Matter

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.

So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
--Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured? What have you done for humanity? For yourself? Others?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built;
--not what you got, but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

A life lived that matters is not of circumstance, but of choice.

You Are Beautiful

You are beautiful tonight,
Shining through the rays of the sun and moon light
You´re an angel, like the echoes of sweet voices.
Let your love and spirit baptize me
Elevate my mind, elate my soul, set my crutches of love free.

You are beautiful,
Within your rays of light.
You are beautiful,
I cannot hesitate without you in my life.
Let your spirit capture me,
Let your power consume me.
You are beautiful,
Don't ever set me free.


Behind the scenes:
I wrote this while listening to a song by Mike Nichols. The song is called "Durado". It is a trance song, probably in the "emotio-trance" or the uplifting genre.

The sound of this music reminds me of the perfect beautiful woman who belongs to the sky.

Her power is awesome. She is curvy, and has hair that flows like milk and honey. The sun and moon rays shine through her hair. Her skin, soft, cannot be touched. Her smile, infectious, petrifies you. Her beauty is so powerful, she seeks no vanity, nor does she display any of it.
She knows no evil. Her hair randomly whips in the soft, breezy, air. She floats, smiling, as she constantly looks upward. she wants to be desired, but not lusted after. Her lips, pouty, are moist like the dew of a perfect morning.

However, this beautiful woman is not living. She is a spirit. Her spirit is well rested and ready to play.

Mike Nichols' "Durado" song depicts this image in my head. It is this awesome power of a woman, who, not only is past a queen's rank, but her spirit alone is of awesome power.
I believe the spirit from within this woman is purely from her heart, and her ability to entice others. When she passed away she was loved by many. she had a great heart and the mirror of vanity never corrupted her. God allowed her to retain her beauty in spirit and maximized it.

Her curves represent desire, but not lust to touch, or to hold. Her skin was soft, but yet no man could not toucher her. Her hair was like wind and sand, but it could never sustain damage. Her back was strong, like the night, her face was intense, like the day.

The synthesizer build ups within the song only bring the feeling of rushed energy from the winds that float her along the skies. The beats within the song represented her energy. The synthesizer builds up represented her spirit as she was lifted higher and higher, floating towards eternity.

If I could do it all over, I wouldn't change a thing.
I would spend my life, trying to make you love me.

Life to Live, because Life is short.
Play, like a child, as Life is a game.
Pouring emotions, as the liquid of past, is clear.
However, nobody will really comprehend, the mind. --My mind.
The one that excites my own impulse of wretched thirstiness.
Clear my mind of evil, as man needs to control, or destroy.
Depression befriends me, solace visits me.
I could never be free, unless I was free of this world.

I see what my mind tells me what to see. Illusion.
Light. Words. It is all what excites. Pleasures.
It brings lies. Destruction. Hatred. It must be tamed.
Although I continuously burn inside, outside is the brightest smile.

No one on earth can prognosticate my nomadic actions. Yet, everyone cannot accept.
Through dark trees, endless paths, destiny will lead me to my illusion.
-My mind. To, where it wants to go.
It will take me home, in time, but not a place that you know of.

Lisa



Lisa Ann Winters, never lived up to her acronym name, L.A.W. She was a fiesty, artsy, and an outspoken individual who had beautiful long brown hair. She had bright brown eyes that gave a warm and loving appearance. She was playful, cheerful at any circumstance, and could manipulate a bad environment into a stable one. She was always accompanied by a family member, whether it be her mother, my own father or perhaps a few friends who were close to her. Her adoring voice rings warmly playful in one's ear.



My aunt Lisa. There was no other name to call her, but Lisa. She didn't care for cutsie names, or the pretty-in-pink stuff, most fluffy girls liked. She wasn't a hardened woman either, who made you do 20 pushups within two minutes. She was Lisa. We called her that. She was respected because she one of the "cool" family members. She was one of those people, if annoyed, made it into a humorous joke. There wasn't a reason in the world not to be mad at Lisa, ever.



She, like my Uncle Don, always believed in us crazy kids and our future. She always prepared us with absolute situations, along with humorous terms to get us to listen and become attentive. It was her "alternative learning", so to speak. This same learning I even imposed on my daughter. This learning gives you a real-life approach, but still kept it soft enough, not to jar a kid's mind into a mental instable blob.



"You kids have to take a bath or you'll be a stinky bum. You don't wanna be a stinky bum do ya?"



All of us shouted in unison, "NoOoOoOoooOoo!"



Lisa covered her ears, and shouted "Loud!"



This meant: Pure annoyance and screaming like that was unwanted. I think I adopted the hatred of loud noise such as this. However, we ended up laughing by the way she performed the act and tone of voice. I know I chuckle thinking about it, everytime.



We, us kids, immediately toned it down.



She would peer down at us with a determined look, "Yeah? --because, I know one guy, and he goes by Stinky Feet. Ever heard the Legend Of Stinky Feet?"



We sat, laughing at this point, but the story went on. It talked about how seriously GROSS this guy was. She even darted off about how everyone was not attracted to such smell. He ended up living in a junk-yard, with his pet dog, but his stench ended up intolerable.



As we sat there, with our mouths open and our heads cocked to the side, we immediately ran into the bathroom. We took the best baths. I could still re-create the image in my head: This bum who lived in a junkyard, who ened up killing his dog by asphyxiation of stench. The detail was there, and my mind painted the picture. It did not haunt us kids, at all, Oh no! It actually reminded us in a way to take good baths, like a nice bunch of kids should do.



However, I can still see that dead dog. I didn't want to kill any dogs with my stench!



Lisa was also one of those who always broke up fights between her sisters. She then created herself a signature, which me, my siblings, and even our distant cousins will always remember. They're the words "You guys, Calm Down!". She did it in a way that the last words rang out and was to mean business. You know those referees in movies where everyone became silent after the whistle blow?



I remember coming over to MeMas (my grandmother) and emerging from the house will be some stupid fight, that older girls do. It was typical teenage girl stuff. I was about 5 at the time, and didn't care about girls. I was still a runt trying to catch frogs, probably.



Too pissed off, during the girls bickering, Lisa would scream her signature words: "You guys, Calm Down!"



The room fell silent. She had that power!



MeMa, then, would take over. That --or my PePa. You didn't want to piss off my Pepa. I know this, as I learned from it. We got our ass beat, like Grand Canyon Donkey!



She is an inspiration! Lisa has worked with art for a considerable amount of time and she has that 'artistic' mind-set. She pushed me several times in art because she saw I had a gift for it. I ended up giving up later, which caused her to be a bit upset. However, that artistic side of me ended up in another area that I do best: entertainment. She still supported it. She said, "Everyone has a gift of something, there's just that one road that will eventually lead you down to it."



Lisa is a wonderful aunt who has has unconditional love to all her family members. If one robbed a bank, spent time in prison, she would still love them. She would give them a hug, and those first words will empathetically sing, "You know......"



She would then break the bluntness, "--You shouldn't have robbed that bank!"



Then, cleverly, came that witty punchline, "--I still love you anyway!"



I thank her much for teaching me many things in life: be non-judgemental, have a great outlook in life, be peaceful, and keep clean. Well, amoung other things. To this day I am not the best of organisational skills, but that's another story. Again, using her alternative learning, she had to distinguish the worst from the bad, and how to go about dealing with things. Using this real-life approach, it taught us a lot. She was never into cartoon teaching lifestyle, or some cutsie way of doing it. It was blunt, to the point, and adding a bit of humour to it, made it all edu-tainment!



One of the other things I like to point out is the perception ability. Thinking. She liked making weird stuff, asymmetrical. This is partly where I get my outlook in life from. I would take things that may appear weird or out of the norm to others, and look at it from another angle. That's where the asymmetrical came in. I looked at the world from another point of view, while others followed the 'systematic' symmetrical approach.



Luckily, after many years I have found others' who are like me.



"Kinda makes the world go 'round, like your head, Christopher!", she never called me Chris. It was Christopher. I felt my head to make sure she was right. Damn, she was!



She also kept us from getting our lives extinguished by not disclosing all the bad things we did as kids. One event I remember, was my brother, Patrick, and I caught our Charlie Brown blanket on fire! You know one of those ceramic heaters that put out a lot of heat and consumed your next months' electric bill? As we lay, cuddling up like two little kittens, a burst of flame rose up like a haunting ghost! We were both scared, and we can already feel the ass beating. We don't know what Lisa did with the blanket, and mother never asked either. I don't think dad remembered us having a Charlie Brown blanket. Nevertheless, our asses did not feel the heat of the belt that night! Go, aunt Lisa! High-five!



We also tore up dads house. You know, kids plus wildness, plus late night, plus babysitting? If he came in, we probably would have boiled. However, we made a deal with her to clean the place before we went to bed, and dad never knew. Slick, Lisa! I could go on and on, but you get the idea.



Lisa is one of the "bestest" aunts you could possibly have. She is loving, considerate, and peaceful. Thanks a bunch, Aunt Lisa, for all those great times! You rock! (air guitar and a ling, ling ling ling!!!)



--To a wonderful and delightful aunt! Love you, and Happy Birthday!



Christopher, and us siblings!

July 15th was a day I accomplished a lot.

I paid every bill I had.
I bought a new bike seat that someone stole previously.
I began to understand Richlee's passing. Although, I do tend to wander about Death from time to time.
I bought a new HTC EVO #D mobile computer/phone. It is quite nice I must say. Wonderful stalker tool.

...and I got into an accident. Car Accident.

Going southbound on 405, approaching the Normandie exit, traffic was such a bitch. I mean it was damn near DC/Virginia style traffic. Yeah, all 23 miles of it, to be exact. The movement was a slow, retarded snail-ish kinda way. I could've slept-driven the whole ride really, but things were on my mind.

I was thinking about death actually. I was thinking about experiences in theereafter life. I also needed to get back into writing "Idle", ( www.chriswinters.com/idle ). I was thinking about experiences we have here on Earth, and not experiencing things there after. The spirit, the "energy" these bullshit tree huggin nature wanna be's who preach about we have this "aura" and "energy" is merely bullshit when you pass away. We cannot have 'energy' after we die or our 'spirit' cannot, at least. If so, it would be a physical thing.
Then I thought about Richlee, when she passed away almost about a month ago. Her aunt told me June 21st the sad news. I then thought about her...

A huge fucking white light appeared out of nowwhere! Fuck! did we get into a nuclear war? Did congress decide to blow up USA? Did mashed potat'ers blind my face? Was I blinded by the light (minus the song about wrecked by a 'douche', haha)?

I managed to gain conscience and realise I was heading into another car! My circuitry logic gate kicked in at the smallest amount of milliseconds as I instinctively raised the emergency brake and apply pressure on the normal brakes. The tires screaming like a bat out of hell, racing from the devil himself. I didn't hit the car, but I can smell the aroma of fresh squeezed smoke charred tires. I blanked for a second, as if my system was rebooting. My hearing went first.

I then realised: "Oh my! I just been hit!"

For the first few 25 milliseconds I thought I had been shot. I thought a bomb went off. Since my vision blanked for a few seconds and mind own mind went totally bat-fucked-confused, I never knew what happened.

I then started to gain conscience and my hearing started to come back, at which people were then blowing horns at the person who rear ended me. I noticed my head was pounding, but largely I felt a cold feeling in the back of my head.

"Where's my phone?", although I located my backpack.

I quickly scanned the around the car, to make sure I was safe, behind the car, but my neck started hurting. So, like a beat puppy I turned back. Confused.

Yes, backpack is fine? I wonder if my lappy and HDD are fine. Shit! Where my MicroSD card that was sitting in the console?

I then felt the back of my head, which was secreting a bit of plasma.

I then got out, and it felt as if I was in a Hollywood movie. Ha. Wait! I've been there before. Except this wasn't a real set. The feeling was REAL, and I felt real fucking sore and bent. My vision was not clear and the world seemed over-saturated in light.

As I stumbled out, I could not raise my head. All I could see was a puddle in front of the car that hit me. Strangley noticed the car was about 20 feet from me.

"Do NOT move to the right, chris! You're goin to get hit by on-coming traffic!", as I noticed cars slowly whizzing by me. I then started to approach the front smashed car.

"Are you ok?" I asked. I noticed blood in his mouth when he answered.

I stumbled back towards my car while he was on the phone. I started to assess the damage.

The freeway tow guys eventually came and said they would chase me off the freeway once they started to tow the other car. It recieved a lot of front damage. I think he hit me going 35-40 mph. I never heard screeching of his tires or anything. It happened so suddenly.

I got back in my car and noticed my seat was in the laying position and twisted to the right. you know those gangsta leans when you drive as you lunge over the middle console or console rest? Think about a 400 pound guy who has been sitting like that in the same seat for a year. Eventually the seat will 'remember' that position. In my case, my body moving forward and backwards all of a sudden, along with G forces made my seat that way. permanently.

I couldn't find my phone, but later I found it in the back nudged in a wedge. I found it after my phone was ringing. I wondered how my phone go tthat way. It was UNDER my backpack. It must have moved forward, then up and made its way toward the back.

Since I didn't have head-rest on, the bike that I bought a new seat for, lunged forward giving me my nosh on the back of the head. My bike accidentlly sucked punched me. It didn't smile back, but made more of a "I'm sorry" face. I forgave my bike as I pat it on the handle bars that hit me. My handle bars have an extra metal bars perched up so I can grab it to give extra stabolity and power when I dirve my legs towards speed.

I eventually got chased off the freeway and exchanged data for insurance purposes. The CHPs (California highway Patrol) officer appeared and I asked should we file a report. The officer said under California law, we don't have to if we exchanged information, and it was not rocket science to figure out what had happened. We both shook our head in agreement and went on to ensure our information was accurate.

I went to the hospital (emergency) after the accident because I had a splitting headache. I was dizzy, extremly tired, shaking, and developed a twitch in my eye. Also not to mention I was quite sore in my neck, middle back, and tomorrow I am sure other areas would be sore too.

I got a CAT scan, X-rays on my neck and back. The reorts are no broken bones. I also got an ultra-sound for internal bleeding and that checked out fine. I told Stephanie, who ended up driving me there that I was pregnant, jokingly.

In the end, the doctor reported that I got a concussio n and gave me Percocet, flexiril, and naproxen. I felt, mighty fine, like I was in clouds.

The whole weekend I was bound to bed. I went to the doctors for a follow up and he said I was to be out of work until 08-01-2011. However, I think I am starting to feel better and will return to full duty that following monday. I still have ringing in my ears, a few back pains in the T5 section, a few dull headaches, but at least I can move around. The meds I have been on made me pretty much feel like a lump of something warm, dark brown, and smelly. Well, ok, not the smelly part.

Accidents are no fun. All that came to mind was a friend of mine who died while hydroplanning. During that, he was hit back in the head with equipment and ultimately killed him. I then thought about my friend Eugene. He mentioned his father just got into an accident not too long ago. Stuff happens, and when it all of a sudden, you experience near death situations, you could only realise how fragile you are.

I still think of death. I cannot get away from thinking it as it now has been plaguing my mind. It is a pain in my neck, but I am afraid of it within my mind.

I sat here and watched you as you grew older. I sat here admiring that you had goals. I looked up to you as a perfect man who had dream and ambition.

You were poor. Hard-headed, but determined.

After years went by, many years, you decided it was time for you to set out in the world. You decided to learn about Life and all of the resources known to exist. You used them to build yourself, along with your physical being.

Perfect- you became, more, in my eyes. I could only wished I could be like you. Envious, I would say. However, I still swat flies, and live in my cave, under a large, large rock.

After time, you've became this person I do not know any longer. You became this person who's hard-head, education surpassed mine. You became this person who had wealth, women, and fast cars. You became this person who wanted nothing but power, and achieved it by your own determination and movement. Whoa! I can only look; as your self-being blinds my eyes of the dirt.

You stood tall, you became the largest building in any history that I've known. You were no longer this person who ran around with me, in the dirt. You were this person who respected animals and plants. You were this person who loved family and would stay up at night for their protection. You were this person who didn't care if a lot of girls' liked you. you only liked one. She was that girl who has sandy, tassled hair. She wore clothes that you would not even -think- of having someone wear. No longer are you this humble being.

I, no longer know you, my friend.

I sat here, sad. I was sad because you've became this great power of Light! You became this great being who stood tall amoung the trees. You smelled, as if you walked out of a jasmine bush. You had everything in life. I still sat in the dirt, playing with dirty water. I didn't mind though. I was happy. I was content. Even if I had a taste of what you have, it would be enough to satisfy any entertainment for years.

The thing is, Mr. Unkown, I am not jealous. I am not jealous at all! The reason, because, you now act quite different! You look down on me, as if, I was some scurrying cockroach. You never turn around to greet me when I call your name. You laugh at me, with your beautiful women, as you toss trash in my direction.

You stand proud in your beautiful clothing. Your belly is bigger, from the swells of food you consume. You grow even more wicked as I hear you speak. your nails are perfect. Your clothes are perfect. Like a badger, your personality has become something that terrifies me, even when you do speak softly!

I still live in my cave. Poor but happy. I have my trees. My garden. My animals, or even more, as new critters come by daily. I make friends all the time when I pass by someone who waddles in the same dirt I do. Everyday I thank God for the fact I am breathing another day. The sun always smiles upon me and I smile right back at it!

After many years, you lost those things you once had. You had many boats, cars, women, home, and money. It poured like a river of gold. However, your gold was running out.

You now sit in your place, that has fallen. Wondering how you are going to pay for all those things, you can only get angry. Wasted money on women. Wasted time on people. Wasted personality that you once 'learned' --to become someone else. Just remember, Mr. Unknown, that you -may- have all these things, but all those are -nothing- burdens on your heart!

I still live in my cave, with my friends, and trees. My garden. My weather. My stars. Most of all, I am happy where I still am. A new critter scurries by, each day, and I can only giggle.

It's sad to see you leave this world that I live in. It was sad to see you separate from all your belongings. What you worked for, the people who really didn't care, but cared about what you had...

..Sad thing is, you had a great life. You left it. Life is the Gift. The ultimate Gift. Other people around you are bonuses. Materialistic greed is the influence of evil. Failure from this, is the result of that greed. You can enjoy things, but give back.

What you didn't give back, was to yourself...

You only took from yourself, the Gift.
-All, from your very own hands.

It's Like Taking Candy-Memories From A Baby

It was the summer of 1974, and I remember laying on my back, half twisted in a backseat of a car. My mother and her friend, if I can remember if that was her or not, was listening to The Eagles.

Now the Eagles, always reminds me of my mother. I think it is the most positive experience I do enjoy in life. To this day I can see the vivd hue of colours floating in my head as if I lived it a few seconds ago. Lying Eyes was playing, I think, or was it Hotel California? Either way, I know it was good 'ole rock-n-roll back in that day and a positive Debbie Joyhopper right now.

I wish my life can re-live those days that I enjoyed but took for granted. It is those days that you are riding as a passenger in a car, or bus, or maybe you took the plane- hell I don't know, but past events played in your head like a scene out of a play. It is those scenes that make us remember the enjoyable times that we can re-live.

MY dad was another person who I enjoyed having around as a playmate. Although there are times I question his motives. I rememnber one time we were hop skipping on a rocky river. There were these huge, porous, bulbous shaped rocks. They were excitely cool because they looked like I just landed on Mars and I was hop skipping my little butt to some alien martian land! Hop away lil lad!

I did! As a matter of fact, I ended up frustrated because by the time I reached the second rock, I looked up and my dad was already on his 5th one! I looked up and shouted" Wait a minute, buddy!"

He kept going.

"DAD!" damn it, I thought, although back then I didn't cuss. Ben Kenobi somehow had his wisdom enstilled in me. well, at least for the first 7 years.

My dad finally stopped and did his usual "What is it son?"

"Wait up!"

My dad didn't roll his eyes. Nor did he say "Oh my god..." or the crap you hear from most people singed with digusted looks on their face because someon happenes to fail a bit. MY dad somehow magically walked right on over to me and said for me to follow his exact footsteps. I panted.

I followed ok, but there was a time when the water began to cover the rocks and the water wetn from clear to dark, or at least the floor was where I was walking.

I became a bit worried. I thought it was possible to fall into a hole, because the rocks where full of surprises like that, or I would slip off into the rushing water below. It already teased me by splashing its playful hands already!

"Dad, I really cannot see...."

"Just folow the footsteps. Mine."

I did, and at the near end of the trip I began to gain my own ground again.


* * *

Here it is 2010 and now I feel as lost as before. I feel as those footsteps I cannot find. I cannot find the inner peace and smiles when I heard the Eagles play when my mother was driving to the beach. I remember she used to go there all the time, carrying my ass in one arm. she used to perk up her hairdo. She had this beautiful dark hair and pretty eyes. I never forgot her laugh, but more so her soft spoken voice. I know back then she probably drove all the men mad from speaking all sexy-like. Who knows. I just remember being carried and dropped off on a picnic blanket. I didn't hang around because I ran towards the beach. Strengly, I don't remember that part.

Lost. That's where I was. I am lost. I still have my LSO, although I keep a postive approach on life. I think God and I agreed on something about living that way then He'll do some sort of keep mye young looking and the inner child present. He did a fantastic job at that, and I did a great job in keeping positive although inside was a freakin war zone.

I just spent the last 5 minutes wondering what I am going to write next. You already know because you are currently reading my past thoughts. See? We just had a telepathic episode! I was actually sitting for 5 minutes thinking of what I was going to write about next. I became -lost-. Lost, meaning "What was I doing?"

No, I don't have mental issues, because everyone has that. No, I am not getting old and forgetting things, because everyone has forgotton everything. This is partly due to the blue constant glow in their faces from cellphone and computers. Who can honeslty think of at least 10 people's telephone numbers and address' off their memory, let alone birthdays?

I think it is because I am distractd from all these things. I think it is because from the stupid survival of competition and greed. I think it is because all these social sites want to consume you. The ads on the internet. The beautiful pics from various beautiful people, whom in a few years will look completely different regardless how much they "work out" or "take care of themselves". It could be a possible that plastic surgery might make them look different!

We do though. We keep our minds occupied witht e constant glow lighting up our faces. We stand in this pose: kinda hunched, two hands on a small electronic device, blocking out anything around us, tic tac, pecking away at our cell phones, or computers. By then we already forgot about the mother who wante dto go to the beach, or the dad who wanted to go to the river rocks. We already forgot our best friend who wanted to see if you wanted to go to dinner. Shit, its possible that your dog is now starving. Who cares???? As long as someone made a comment on your facebook or myspace or tumblr, or twitter, or myvine, or mywwwpartoftheweb.com. Whatever it is, THAT is more important.

I can say, I still remember the fresh smell that weeps into my nose. I can still taste the salty grains that hung on my lips, making their way into my mind. The time I used to chase those white little butterflies that randomly darted from left to right towards up and then possibly down. Damn those pretty things.

I can remember the cracked pavement, the little girl I played with. Boy, she had beautiful hair. Pretty little eyes too. I think her name was Holly. Yes, it was, and we played "house" in her little play shed. Her parents never checked, but we sure did make out a lot.

I remember the time when my sister fell on to her head and split it open. She was pretty pissed, having her front teeth missing. now she is going to get stitches in her forehead. However to this day, she is still pretty without the scar mkaing her look like frankenstein.

I am not sure where I am going with my thoughts right now. I just know that remembering those times I wish I could re-live. Then again, maybe it is good, because if I did, then I would be shocked how much it could be so different.

I am going to be rather quick about this because I have people breathing down my backs... literally.



The idea of love, living, and happiness is best described by Cameron Diaz. True, many people do not agree with the following quotes she says, but I can. The reason is because many people get divorce. Many people go through middle aged syndrome. Many people get bored and lonely, but largely, many people think or act on cheating.



Although I do believe on loving someone for a amount of time, I always believe on living the life you wish without control, without submission, or without regret. Life is something you challenge, yet, you enjoy. Just because it "did not work out", doesn't mean you stop loving them. Love is hope. It is hope to spark off pro-creation. That's what God gave to us... That hope of Love to procreate. If He did not, then this world would have a small population and attraction and sex would be pointless.

Just my thoughts and just my idea.

Now, I shall close with Camerons' closing quotes. --To be continued..



Cameron Diaz:

“I think the big misconception in our society is that we’re supposed to meet the one when we’re 18 and we’re supposed to get married to them and love them for the rest of our lives. Bulls**t,” she said.


“Who would want to be with the same person for 80 years? Why not break it up a little bit? I think people get freaked out about getting married and spending 20 or 30 years sleeping with the same person but if that’s the case, don’t do it.


“Have someone for five years and another person for another five years. Life is long and lucky and yes, love might last forever, but you don’t always live with the person you love forever.”



Source Dimewars.com

http://dimewars.com/Blog/Cameron-Diaz-Reportedly-Hooking-Up-With-Glee-s-Matthew-Morrison.aspx?BlogID=f1db9b10-0ee4-40e0-ab1a-c9fa045b5bca

It never occurred to me that rain can be a relaxing, natural entity. We take it for granted actually and complain about something nature gives to us.

Man loves to create heaven, or re-create heaven in such a way that gives us comfort. For example, you know those plastic round things made from China, you put your feet in? They are usually filled with water, warm enough to sooth or massage our feet. Then, there is this motor that bumbles about...

brrrr..... brrrrrrr........ brrrrr....

Yeah, bumbles. Kinda like a bumble-bee!

I love bumble-bees. That and honey bees. Another nature tool I can appreciate.

As we sit and relax, we can only think about the way the water feels against our feet. We can also feel the temperature against our nerve endings. We can only succumb to a wonderful...

...Wait! I have to move my feet a bit! Damn plastic thing is making my toe fall asleep!

ah! Better. Where was I? Ah! The feet soothing, the bubbles laughingly tickling my feet like a child playing.

Wait! Damnit! The constant buzz in my mind is driving me crazy!!!

You see what I mean? We want to create heaven, when we cannot. We want to replace what nature already gives us, without appreciating the value of it.

Going back to the rain, I was standing outside this morning. I looked up into the dark, eerie, black and dark maroon clouds. They look like a marble of uncertainty. I could not move my eyes away from it because I had so many thoughts race through my mind.

The slight cool wind rushed against my face, blowing my hair ever so slightly, playing with it and teasing my mind. My mind went into an even-further fury of sub-conscious dreams.

I didn't want to get away as the drizzle of moisture wet my appetite of creative thoughts. It added to the texture of eeriness, as I stood there, waiting for emptiness to consume me.

I didn't care about anything else. I didn't think about that stupid made in china plastic doo-hickey thing that made my feet feel good for a hour. The rain began to fall heavier. My clothes then became soaked. I didn't noticed. The sound began to carry me away further into something else. Peace.

when I did notice the rain, I then started to think about the time I used to splash into rain puddles. Those we puddles of collected rain in the roads. most of the time, they too were warm, especially int he summer. that beats any old Made In china foot massage thingy! I would splash around, making the hardest I can, laughing and playing. I still do it at the ripe age of 39. I'll be 40 in November.

Unfortunately, I have to leave for work. It's 5 am in the morning, and I can only then realise that I spent my time in the rain, the clouds, and saying hello to nature for about an hour. I didn't have that constant brrr.... brrrr..... brrrrrr reminding me that heaven was re-created or fake. It entertained me to the point where I lost my place in this world and brought me to a place to a world with no waste, no war, no complaints, no cell-phones, and something that made me a happy rain-camper.

You cannot re-create that, but you can appreciate it.

[without you]
.:cwinters:.

This day I made, my decision, not to suffer
your promises, have kept my faith, in motion
I couldn't shake you, yet, your hold kept me buried.
I want to break free, because, now I am broken.
Now I can live free, without you.

I cannot fight, but now I want to run away, severe what we had.
to get you off my mind, which constantly has you -ringing- in it.
I scream, but no-one can hear, I stomp, yet no-one can feel
the resonance of pain I endured, all this long.
I am finished without you.

I surrendered, was broken, I got tired, let you tear me to pieces,
I gave up for you, was on my knees, even sweat tears for you.
I lost control, you gain my power, but now I'm finally done.
I fought it all, and grew spiritually, without you.

I can't change what I know now, who I know now, or possibly...
...WHAT, you have now become.
i used to fight for that chance, see the hope, make excuses
lose my will, or nuture you, while I rot away.
I can quench my thirst now, without you.

you left me laying here, used, as I was your favourite slave
your rag doll, your evil demise.
you made me believe I was nothing, but an unpure thought.
I didn't see the failure that consumed me like a nightmare.
I can finally now see, without you.

this may never end, but we've fell apart, a constant memory,
lost of senses, from fear. Me, not being sincere.
I tore us apart because i lost so much time with you.
My feelings disappeared, as i live, without you.

leh happy
by .cwinters.
revised edition of GLU - Happy

Everyday has been the same, since I've been alone
without you,
your smile.
your voice.
Everyday I wait for you
for your hand
your smile
your hold
your breathe on my shoulder.
But you're never coming home,
And I can hope that you're happy
or, at least one of us is
perhaps, maybe, i can only pray your heart will come back to me.
I need you to save me from mysefl
mypain
my crying
my woe
my heart broken self.
Everytime I swear that I see you
Everywhere I go, I know my mind plays tricks on me
i see you
your face
it glows
i am so demented because i love you...
And that's something that you know

Doing for you makes me happy. Being with you makes me smile. I laugh with you as much as I breathe. I love you as long as I live. Consume me as I fall into your heart. Love me like there isn't anything else you would sacrifice for.

Before I go into detail mode of what the hell is going on below, here are some quick stats:


Truth and reconciliation phase: 2 days into 40; hardest. Accomplished: 10mph >1min. HR: 178. However, wind resistance at < .050%, energy expenditure compensation from elevation @ %2


I am fasting for Jesus Christ. Catholics have their Lent. Muslims have their Ramadan, and other religions have their way. I am fasting because I need to get in touch with my own personal Jesus-- if you will.

So what is all those stats, you wonder? Well, my morning consisted of a nice treadmill run. I'd rather run outside, but in this case I had to run inside.

In the stats above, the 10mph was the speed of the treadmill, for 1 minute and 10 seconds. That's an average of 6 mph pace. I typically like to enjoy blasting through a good sprint. With my body frame type, I can train for Areobic and Anaerobic. My heart rate was 178 at measured said pace, and the wind resistance was really low, considering I was on a treadmill as opposed to being outside. I spend about 15%-20% less energy than running outside, so thereforeI increase the elevation of running to 2% to compensate for it.

Fasting.
I do not follow a certain guide of religious fasting due to the religious controlled cultures. I find faith through my own personal guidance. I set the rules:

There are phases, Truth and Reconciliation, Penance, and Rebirth. Each stage has meaning.

Truth and Reconciliation - Is the phase which one must accept truth of onesself, religion, self acceptance, wordly issues, physical well being, death, and amoung other things. It is also the chance to reconcile with these things mentioned and make a difference. Along with scripture guidance and external/internal beliefs in God, then reconciliation can occur.

Penance - With sorrow and remorse, intention of amendment, the self cleansing and act of asking for forgiveness. The Word of God may guide you, but only you can ask for forgiveness.

Rebirth - Emerging as anew.

* Fasting should last about 40 days, which will end before Easter.
* One must read at least ONE scripture from the Bible. If one forgets to then one must do at least one humble deed to a person in the rememberance of Jesus' Sacrifice.
* One must thank God for the Breathe of Life, each day.
* Must not eat from sunrise to sunset, for 40 days. During sunset and before sunrise, one must eat a very small controlled portion.
* Alcohol must not be consumed.
* Caffeine is accepted, but in moderation.
* Beef, steak, or pork must not be consumed. If meat is to be consumed, only fish is acceptable. Eggs can be be acceptable, and milk can be acceptable because it does signify spiritual purity.
* Onions and Garlic cannot be consumed. sodium should also be kept at a low.
* Water is consumed during fasting as it is the Nuturer of Life.
* Fruit juices should be consumed, but not heavily, as it contains sugar. It can also be a temptation to the break of fasting.
* Vegatables should be consumed more to avoid pain and violence. It also promotes less temptation, irritable behavior (hence voilence)


No one human is perfect and we all lead to temptationa and evil events. We can also learn from experiences.

I do not belong to a church, because I don't believe in man's control or the hypocratic inefficient thinking of a man who feels the need to control. I believe in Jesus Christ in my own way, yet I worship Him in my own way.

more later!

I used to hold your hand, but I must let go.. I must travel down the road, alone, yet the echoes of our memories are in tow

-chris winters

"Sleep well, before you die"
C. Winters
future excerpt from 'Tungsten's Guide to: Empathetic Mania'

A couple days later at work, I ran up the stairs to say something very stupid to Mark. I was always trying to be funny, and the life of the party. So today, I thought I'd make Mark's day by saying some random thought. I do those things to get a laugh out of someone. Today was that day.

As I strolled past another good friend, which I will entertain very soon. Samantha. she's this cute blonde that...

"I thought I should tell you about my neighbor!", Samantha stopped me at her desk.

It was one of those all-of-a-sudden episodes in life where you actually become interested in something other than the goal you are trying to achieve. The tone of her voice manipulated that.

"Yauhh," I grinned, "You guys were getting a bit frisky there. I was wondering if I became some sort of third wheel."

I remember a few days back, Samantha and her neighbor where making out. It was a small party he had going on. I was there. I felt I was the third wheel, because I came along with her. So, in the event of this happening I thought it would be best I left. Besides, who wants to be a cock-blocker? Samantha wanted some, so I figured it was my time to jet.

"No! Not at all!" she said, "Let me tell you what happened..."

There was a pause before she went on. My eyes rolled from one side to the other as if "yeah, right" came to mind.

Her smile melted away as she recollected the past that was laid out before me.

"The neighbor had broken up with his girlfriend and was moving soon. She called on St. Patrick's Day. "

My mind became focused. The "I" started to divide.

"She said she was going to a party in the area, and asked if she could spend the night. Something about, being responsible, instead of driving home. He then replied 'no'", Samantha leaned back in her chair as she began the story.

"He mentioned to her that he is going out with some friends, and this -has- to end. He specifically enforced the last part of his words. After his night out with friends, he comes home, and finds his door busted open. Also, he said her vehicle was parked, and he got concerned. All the lights are off, except for the bathroom. Unnerved, he decides to move in the direction of the house into the bathroom... calling her name. It was sooo Scooby Doo."

My mind can see the picture. A man, walking towards the house,and towards the bathroom. It is dark. Midnight blue. The colour of peacefulness, but with an eerie feeling. However, my mind did not see anyone in the house. Just the front door slightly ajar. I felt a slight chill as the wind might have slithered in the doorway.

"She brought with her a body bag, duck tape, and a helium tank for balloons. She climbed into the body
bag, zipped it up halfway, and taped it around her wait. She then turned on the helium tank, and zipped up the rest of the body bag with the nozzle inside."

I saw the girl. She was crying. She was so badly hurt that I can actually feel her pain. Her face was already swollen from the tears pouring out of her eyes. She had an agenda, and I know, where this was going...

Samantha finally uttered the last words, while she continued back to her work, "Helium puts a person to sleep, before they die."

in fantasy, romance can be the sweetest dream, but in reality, romance is hope. -chriswinters invented- -today!

I've already sailed away, not looking back, as my own tears were cleared by the wind that brushed my face.

The grass maybe greener on the other side, but that's from all the shit in it

-chris winters28 2009